OMMMMMMMMMMM

Tonight I attended a yoga class as opposed to private tuition, which basically means I don't have to memorise a sequence of poses, I merely follow my yogi as he meanders through whatever he feels like. This suits me down to a tee, as it does not require any thought process on my behalf. I showed up to the 7pm class to discover my worst nightmare realised - it's me, the yogi and the female teacher in training. More like intense private tuition - two teachers to one student.

As an aside, a very sensible blogger messaged me and said to ensure my yogi is IYTA certified - that's International Yoga Teachers' Association to you non-yoga people. I am so a yoga person now. I'm just waiting to get my 'yoga smug' on. I'll let you know when it happens.  I decided the only sensible thing to do was cyber stalk my yogi in the hope of A) finding out more about him and B) perhaps learning how to pronounce his name. Unfortunately, the first thing I came across was a strange link to an unused twitter account which I promptly clicked on to reveal a photo of my yogi in a legs crossed manner, very tanned (think like a bag of roasted chestnuts on a cheery wintery London day), wearing sunglasses (not very Yoga-esque if you ask me) and on closer inspection appeared to be completely nude.  I must admit I found this quite unsettling and after staring at the photo for an undetermined time, I was still unable to decide if he was nude or not. Too traumatised to continue my cyber stalking, I stopped looking except to confirm he was IYTA. I knew if I continued looking on the internet and found more strange discoveries I would look for yet another excuse to give up, so I stopped. Who cares if my yogi digs his own body and likes to brown his body to nut perfection in the nude? I also did not find how to pronounce his name. I've given up and my strategy involves nodding sagely every time he uses my name as if I choose not to use his name. Working so far.

Back to the class. The class goes quite well and I find myself relaxing and even bantering with my two teachers in a pleasant and respectful student manner until we came to a seated pose that I could not understand. After trying several ways to explain the positioning of my foot with my leg, he gave up and pointed furiously with his fingers where to move it. Finally understanding, I apologised profusely and got into position. Yogi, as he is now known, said this was always a hard position to explain and he wondered why so many people didn't understand his instructions. He then broke out of his yogi voice which is deep, calm and soothing and exclaimed in a high squeaky voice that 'So many stupid cunts don't get it' and then began cackling hysterically. I accused Yogi of showing his true colours to which he responded that I should take magnesium tablets. Please don't think he is cruel or malicious, he is merely unusual in his teaching method. I am hoping this madness is what keeps me coming back.

We then came to the end of the class and I mentally prepared for the 'corpse' position of lying still, only to be disappointed I was learning something new tonight. Humming. The conversation went something like this
Yogi- We are now going to hum deeply and vibrate our entire bodies, down to our minute cells.
Me - Interrupting - so do I hum whilst breathing in and out?
Yogi - Er, no. It is physically not possible to breathe in and hum.
Me - Okay, and when I breathe out and hum do I hum the entire time or stop part way.
Yogi - just hum Sarah on the outtake of breath and be still.

Oh okay. Humming in front of others in a yoga manner is a very self conscious thing for someone like myself and I found myself listening to their hums and thinking competitively that their humming sounded so much deeper and longer. Damn, I can't even hum right.  I didn't feel my cells vibrate so I guess I have to work on my humming.

Class ended at the chime of a  bell three times, (little lunch time!) and I gathered up my lovely borrowed blanket and started to fold it up. Apparently in yoga, you can't just fold up a blanket. At home, my husband changes our bed sheets as he claims I don't do it properly so I am used to sheet/blanket criticism, however this was in a whole different realm.  I learnt tonight that when folding a yoga blanket you must fold it the long way first, they rotate it to the new long side and fold again. This cumbersome and timely folding continues in this pattern until the blanket is small and ready to be packed away. Of course, I had to ask why the blankets had to be folded this particular way to which he replied 'it's so all the bad energy is expelled and the good energy is folded into the blanket'. Perhaps that's what I've being doing wrong at home when making the bed?